I am not enough.
Selfishly, I want to be. I don't want to have to bow before Anyone and admit that I can't make it without help. A lump forms in my throat, and tears well in my eyes as I contemplate the fact that my work isn't enough.
I never really understood until recently how much of a perfectionist I am. There is nothing worse in my human estimation than looking back at a situation and realizing that there were a hundred things that could have been done differently.
We all may know intellectually that failure is good, because it helps us grow. But that doesn't help in the moments when we look that failure square in the face and listen to what we think it says about us.
Some of us deal with speaking failure over a scenario before it's even happened. Certain personality types lean towards negative predictions, and I confess that at times I fall into that category. If the plans that were laid out so neatly don't stay that way, then we think we are doomed to fail. This kind of thinking needs to go.
I keep thinking about the people that followed Jesus while He lived out His earthly ministry.
They dealt with weaknesses. (Luke 22) With failure to understand what Jesus was doing. (Mark 9,10) One of them even went so far as to deny that he knew the Christ when it came down to it. (Mark 14) There was bickering and misunderstanding. There were moments when things didn't go as well as that band of believers thought it should. (Mark 4).
It gives me hope, in my weaknesses. Reading their stories, and how they came through it gives me courage to keep going.
Ministry doesn't have to be perfect. It will be messy and unpredictable and wild.
A life of surrender won't be an easy one. There will be confusion and redirection...time after time.
However, through it all, there is one thing that remains...
The Word tells us - “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." II Cor 12:9 ESV
We do our best. We allow God to work through us, no matter how weak we feel. And we rest in His provision of strength. Sometimes we get to see the fruit. And, sometimes we don't. Faithfulness is what matters in each case.
Be encouraged that in the knowledge that the most unqualified and imperfect people have been and will continue to be used in the upside down Kingdom of God.
Father, it's yours. It's all yours. Every talent, every gift, every provision you've supplied to us. We give it back to You, so that glory may be given to You, and You alone. Thank you for allowing your imperfect people to partner with You. To You be the glory, forever.